feste_sylvain

The "winners" of the infamous, notorious, verbose, sketchy, intellectually stimulating and yet simultaneously revolting, and annual Edward Bulwer-Lytton contest for Bad Opening Lines:

As Jeffrey Hicks, the event safety coordinator for the Renaissance Festival finished posting the revised standards for weaponry, he thought of the day an unleashed dog wandered onto the jousting field, causing the rider from Indianapolis to stop short, impaling himself on the butt of his spear, and the following day’s newspaper headline which read: “Stray Injures Indy Knight, Hicks Changing Lances.”

And that's just the runner-up! In one category!

Okay, I'll save some of you the click and show you the Grand Prize Winner:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

If you ever find yourself writing like this, make absolutely certain you're doing it on purpose.